Psycho or Sane?
by Jrocknpoppingirl
Summary: Ten years ago, I was sent to a hospital. Can I cope now?   I suck at summaries!  Just read it!


****A/N: I know, I should be working on my other story (I'm no Longer Perfect - it's a Harry PotterxBleach crossover if you don't already read it) but I had to write this for a school assignment. I felt that it deserved a place here so yup! To the reading!

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><p><strong>Psycho or Sane?<strong>

Ten years ago, I was put away by my family in a hospital. I sure was damn crazy then. They let me out a few years ago but I didn't come home right away. Instead, I lived with my older brother, D.B., in Hollywood. He's a writer there.

I don't very much like movies. Acting bothers me because it shows people not being themselves. I like it when people are purely themselves. I had to work to figure out why I was like that while I was away but I finally got it. It comes from the fact that my parents lied to me about how sick my younger brother, Allie, was when I was a kid. They told me that he was going to be fine but he wasn't. He died from leukemia a few days after they told me that. Because of that, I just don't want people to lie, especially not to me.

Soon, it's gonna be Phoebe's 18th birthday. Phoebe's my little sister. I haven't seen her in forever, prolly not since my last birthday. Every day that I think about her, I think more of what Allie would be like if he had grown to be this old and it just makes me miss him. It took a long time for me to be able to admit that but I can now. I'm going back to New York, as a surprise gift for Phoebe. I'm sure it'll kill her, she'll be so happy to see me.

I haven't been in New York since my folks sent me off. I think it is gonna be good to get back. I told my therapist that I was planning to go back but h didn't want me to. He said that by being back in this city could cause a relapse, that I could crack again and need to start over from where I was ten years ago. I don't want that to happen but I just don't see that happening. I cracked down because of Phoebe being around. If I'm going back for her, then there's no way I'll snap.

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><p>I got back in the city earlier today and I'm just walking around. My parent's wanted to pick me up but Phoebe didn't have school today and my dad had to work so my mother decided to stay with Phoebe (just so she wouldn't be alone on her birthday and end up missing me) and that would just ruin the surprise. I'm supposed to take a cab right home but I just don't really feel like sitting down any longer. This has been a problem of mine for a while, restless-ness. I don't like being stationary for a long time, I have to walk and roam. I got lost once in L.A. because of that. I walked out of the hospital and just wandered around for a day before D.B. found me by accident.<p>

I thought I'd been walking around with no direction at all but I somehow ended up at the park with the duck pond. It's the middle of spring so the ducks are there. It's strange to see them and know that they are all happy and with their family when I'm here on my own. It makes me feel kinda crummy to be alone.

I don't want to stay there so I start walking again, this time deliberately heading toward where my parents and Phoebe live. I get depressed really easily for no reason, it just happens sometimes when I'm thinking. I try not to think too much in order to stop this but it doesn't really work. It's like trying not to live when all that your heart wants to do is continue living. I recognize how I was a few years ago and I want to go back to that. I try my hardest. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. This is why I still have my own room at the hospital in case I ever need to come back for some reason. I also don't touch alcohol at all. That's one of the things that the doctors and my parents all say made me so bad. I don't see how that made it so bad but if that's what they say, I guess they must be right in some way since they were right about everything else that happened during that time about what was making me so damn crazy.

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><p>Phoebe was so happy to see me today. It was great to see her and know that she still is so purely her. After dinner, she went out with some friends but I stayed at home with my parents. They were talking to me about how I've been and I just couldn't be honest with them. I know that you told me to do that but I just couldn't. If they knew how bad I was doing, it would have killed them, and not in a good way.<p>

I do try to be sane but sometimes it just doesn't work and I get crazy so I go back to the hospital and talk to you, Doctor. I don't know why I did it. That was yesterday. You were right, Doctor. I went out that night, frustrated with myself for not telling them the truth and disappointing them again, and I ended up getting drunk. You told me to call you and tell you what happened if I ever drank and felt like this again so that's what I'm doing right now.

I'm at a pay phone in the park by my lake. The ducks are gone right now. Do you know where they go to sleep? No? Okay. Yes, I'll come back today. No, I can't tell my parents. I'll give you their number so you can tell them but I can't do it. I know that it will hurt them too much and I can't do that to them anymore. I'll get a hotel till the morning and leave a note for Phoebe and get back on a train and come back by dinner. I'm sorry for bothering you, Doctor.

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><p><strong>AN** - So what'd ya think? Leave a review and tell me what you think of this! I know that i didn't really capture the Holden-as-portrayed-by-Salinger but it's the best that it will be since it's Holden-as-portrayed-by-Janjan. I love you, my readers, whether you review and liked it or not or any combination!

Janjan!


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